Yesterday

So, let’s talk about yesterday. 

I went to this supposed neurologist. I get there, and he checks my reflexes and has me walk a short distance and then tells me “tests” are normal. Also, tells me that “there is nothing that can only last hours and stop.” 

Haha, no, bub. There is, I’ve read about numerous things. Amongst these “tests” he put a vibration tool on my legs and on my way out, my legs start getting sore. Like electricity was zapping through my veins. It continues to get worse until I was in tears and swallowing screams. My concerned boyfriend then pointed out that my legs were exceptionally pale, but my toes were bright red. Almost as if all my blood rushed to the tips of my toes and stayed there. 

Since then, the pain has died down a bit, but it continues to get more painful to walk. Every step I take feels like my bones are breaking crack by crack. 

I looked up this “nuerologist” on Health Grades. He had a rating of 2 stars, and according to many reviews, he refuses to touch men. Which is why I am very glad my boyfriend came back with me. 

He was rude, impatient, and didn’t like questions.

I have my nerve conduction and an MRI on my spine tomorrow morning, but something tells me that I’ll be ending up finding somewhere else again. 
If anyone has any idea what specifically could cause my issue, thoughts would be highly appreciated.
Temporary paralysis, numbness, inability to move or feel my legs mid-thigh down. No senses. No movement. Legs pale and ice cold.

When I am able to move again, a tingling feeling happens in my legs and after about 10 minutes I can move them slowly, but weakly again. Longest episode being 9 hours as of date.

Now with pain when I walk and increasing.

Broken

 I’m not sure what happened. He was sleeping on the couch and then went into convulsions. My family managed to get him to come to and he was fine for a full minute. 

That’s when all hell broke lose. He lunged at my mother and my sister had to grab him by the collar. He was biting and snapping and he got my sister on the arms. She got him locked up in a room by himself and we called the vet. 

My father and second-eldest sister are taking care of it now. My niece and nephew are with their biological father because we wanted them safe. All of my other animals are locked in a separate room where they are safe.

I am currently sitting in an Emergency Room and my sister just got called back. I feel broken. I raised him from a puppy the day I rescued him out of freezing rain. He was my butterball. 

I’m not sure what happened because nothing changed in the times before it happened. He’s an inside dog and came in no contact with anything that could have caused this. His food hasn’t changed, either.

I don’t know if I can handle this on top of everything else. My neurology appointment is in 2 weeks. I just healed up from surgery. 

I am worried about everything now. 

My sister got him outside. He’s calmer now. But I can’t take the chance. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring him inside. I can’t handle this.

Surgery Day

Today is the day I go in. It’s early in the morning, before the sun is even up. I’m trying to remember to breathe in between keeping my eyes open. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I’m jittery but tired. Is that a thing? 

At least my boyfriend is next to me, trying to keep me calm inbetween his naps. He took off work today just to come with me. I’m not sure how often I will be able to write after my surgery, if at all, so I may not be around for a while. I will try to remember as much as my experience as I can and write about it when I feel a little better. 

Until then!

Breathe

You know, I don’t recall being this panicked about my first-ever (and only until now) surgery. Maybe it was because it was because I had gone to the ER and they had to admit me and it was done the next morning.

I didn’t have days to think of all the things that could go wrong, or how I would make others feel by doing this, plus my after-care. 

Or thinking of how if I ever have kids, I won’t be able to ever breast feed from my right breast. Or, maybe not at all. Which bothers me a bit, because I always wanted to breast feed any children I would have. But, I suppose I’ll get there when I get there and talk it through with my boyfriend (which would very hopefully be husband by then!) 
At least, it seems, I made a new friend. Well, until it just started downpouring anyway. 

I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July yesterday! I had my family over. I was going to try to talk to my niece about my surgery, and how I’ll be sore and probably a little cranky for a while, (I get bitchy with pain) but my sister, her mother, said that everyone needed to stay out. In a very nasty tone, I might add. See, my sister and I have been fighting for a while now. She escalates more and more and starts another just when the first fight dies down. 

For some reason she has replaced my name with “Little Bitch” whenever talking about me to anyone, including my mother, who has expressed how childish she has being. Yes, this is my second-eldest sister. She’s been married/divorced twice and has two kids, my niece and nephew. 

Somehow, however, everything always seems to be my fault because I don’t sugarcoat things and tell her exactly what she’s doing wrong. 

Last fight began because of our family reunion, where I said (in a calm and even tone) that the children didn’t have to go in my aunt’s pool. She took to screeching at me that I “only speak when spoken to.” And insisted I was being “hateful.” 

Of course, she sent the children to spend the weekend with her ex-husband and she came to that reunion, avoided me at all costs and spread nonsense about me to everyone at the reunion. Especially my uncle Billy, who she seems to think is he best buddy. My uncle, however, makes up his own mind and just shook his head and brushed it off. 

It saddens me that it has come this far, and I wonder what exactly it is that I did to make her hate me so much ever since I can fully remember. I have some memories of when I was little where she was nice, we had fun, and I looked up to her. Today, I wonder if those were just hopeful dreams of a little girl that missed her sister. 

It’s funny how all these thoughts come up to attempt to distract you in your panic, along with others I won’t talk about right now.

Tomorrow is my surgery. I’ll write a quick one tomorrow. Until then!