Dreams to Ashes

I feel… Weak. I just avoided stepping down from a place I would have no problem with before. I used to jump to climb things for fun. I’ve been trying to walk to keep my muscle tone in my legs, but I think in turn I’m somehow making them weaker, and more numb with every passing day. The pain never ends, the numbness is almost comical. My balance has all but left me. I try not to rely too much on the pain cream I’ve obtained to soothe my nerves. The past few times I’ve gone for a walk, I beg to whatever deity that will listen that I don’t fall. 

My neurologist is non-existent. The high-rated one I tried won’t take my insurance. None in the area are any good. I’m not sure where to turn. I’m not sure who can help. I fear I may have to start using a cane soon, and what of by the end of it all? By the time I’m finally seen, will I be forced into a wheelchair? 

Knowing all the things I love, and all the dreams I had, am I okay with the idea? No. Already, only one person close to me even cares enough to know I need help, and I feel as though I’m a burden for putting all the weight on them, even though it’s out of my control. 

Everyone else insists I’m fine, or one in particular person insists they have it too, and it “isn’t as bad” as I say it is. 

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of this. I’m just tired. Sometimes I think my dreams seem sweeter. Even with my gory, bloody nightmares. At least I could run. At least I had some form of control. At least, by the end, I could always find a way out. 

I feel as though, I am watching the life I always dreamed of, burn slowly to ashes right in front of me; and no matter how many tears I cry, the fire won’t go out.

Advertisements

Nightmare

My nightmare last night was strange to me to say the least…

It started out with me being surrounded by children (all not mine, I’d like to add) and another woman, who was helping. We were all outside this large building star gazing and watching fireworks. 

Suddenly, in the street, I see a dark figure. I go over to tell the woman about it, and the man came over insisting he was two of the children’s father. The woman was on the phone, trying to get a hold of the police. Suddenly, more men showed up and started yelling that they get off the phone. I grab a nearby blunt object and tell the children to run inside and lock the doors and windows, and not to look outside. 

I remember hitting the man claiming to be a father with the blunt object once before I was scooped up and carried inside. It wasn’t someone I didn’t know, and I was calm, but when I heard the other men yell to let them in, I realized I couldn’t move my legs. The kids huddled around me and clung on, we were in the basement and I heard faint sirens. Then I heard a crash, and I forced myself awake.

When I woke up, it was more like tremors than shaking. I’m still trying to catch my breath. I still feel a little scared. 

And it doesn’t help today is the anniversary of a loved one’s death… 

But what could this nightmare mean?

Records

Heading to my doctor to get my Medical Records to see exactly who, when, and why I was diagnosed with polyneuropathy and was never told anything about it. I looked into it a bit, and apparently that’s where I need to start. 

After I get these things sorted, I will be making an appointment – you guessed it! – 3 hours away. Back to the city where I want to scream in both anger and terror as people attempt to drive each other off the road. 

It’s going to be one hell of a ride, yet again. Will continue to update.

Guess What

It happened again. I was talking to my mother and standing wheny legs decided to give out again. I think I’m getting better. Instead of crying like I usually end up doing, I just cursed my frustration. I’ll probably cry later when I’m not in the presence of my mother. 

My legs are freezing. It’s beginning to become more and more annoying.

Let’s see how long this one lasts…. Sigh…

The Calm Before the Storm

I’ve finally started to calm down from the horrible events of today, and of course… My legs start to act up as I’m pumping gas into the family van. I managed to hold myself up long enough to force myself into the van, (thank god I was using a card!) and now I sit here waiting on my sisters as my legs turn cold. 

I didn’t go in with them because I knew I’d fall. I’m sick of it all. I’m not sure what to do, my neurology appointment isn’t for another 2 weeks.