Life is an unpredictable whirlwind that picks up and throws anything it wants at you at any given time. Just when you think you’ve just about balanced out your physical and emotional hurdles, it throws something new at you.
You like to think that the breeze is finally light, the air is nice and crisp and maybe things have settled. And then suddenly a cow is thrown past you and you’re sucked into the vortex.
Please tell me that the other things I’ve thought to have finally gotten through in my life won’t come back to whollop me in the face either! Does anything you fix stay the way you need it to?
The new aggravations being hurled at you, when the old ones suddenly come at your back, you end up spiraling down and it feels as if you’ll never stop.
This is my life now. I think I’m growing a phobia of being happy. When I’m happy, something happens. When I think I’ve got something to hold on to, it’s yanked away. When I think I’ve sewed up all of the wounds, the stitching comes lose.
I know I’m not alone in this. Join me on this ride called life. We can have tea and cookies in the whirlwind.
I feel… Weak. I just avoided stepping down from a place I would have no problem with before. I used to jump to climb things for fun. I’ve been trying to walk to keep my muscle tone in my legs, but I think in turn I’m somehow making them weaker, and more numb with every passing day. The pain never ends, the numbness is almost comical. My balance has all but left me. I try not to rely too much on the pain cream I’ve obtained to soothe my nerves. The past few times I’ve gone for a walk, I beg to whatever deity that will listen that I don’t fall.
My neurologist is non-existent. The high-rated one I tried won’t take my insurance. None in the area are any good. I’m not sure where to turn. I’m not sure who can help. I fear I may have to start using a cane soon, and what of by the end of it all? By the time I’m finally seen, will I be forced into a wheelchair?
Knowing all the things I love, and all the dreams I had, am I okay with the idea? No. Already, only one person close to me even cares enough to know I need help, and I feel as though I’m a burden for putting all the weight on them, even though it’s out of my control.
Everyone else insists I’m fine, or one in particular person insists they have it too, and it “isn’t as bad” as I say it is.
I’m tired of it. I’m tired of this. I’m just tired. Sometimes I think my dreams seem sweeter. Even with my gory, bloody nightmares. At least I could run. At least I had some form of control. At least, by the end, I could always find a way out.
I feel as though, I am watching the life I always dreamed of, burn slowly to ashes right in front of me; and no matter how many tears I cry, the fire won’t go out.
A lot of things happen. Some of them good, some of them amazing, and other times it’s bad… Or, there’s occasions where it’s a mix of all 3 of those things.
If I wrote every negative word I associated myself with on my body, I would be covered. Completely covered, and overlapping. Sometimes it’s the words we let ourselves believe that harm us most. Sometimes changes force those words to the front of our minds, and they’re screaming louder than they ever been because at one point, they were completely silent – just for a little while.
I wonder how different those words would be if I just had a harder heart or thicker skin. I wonder why I let other people pull those words to the surface. No, I’m not blaming anyone. At least, anyone but myself. I have myself to blame.
Everything was amazing. I could smile for a while. I felt absolutely perfect. But all good things must end, and that is why I am awake at 12:30am writing this and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I had hope tomorrow will be different. Or the next day. But life isn’t the dreams I once believed were my future. Because, sometimes you end up bringing people into the tangled, grueling mess that is your life, and it’s complicated.
I hope I, and we, get past this. I hope I can go back to smiling again, with those voices locked away. I hope… They smile at me and join me in my happiness.
I express myself through many ways. Traditionally – with my face. And through my art or fashion. Through photography and through my laughter and tears. Through my kindness. Reminding myself that no matter how dark it is, there has to be moonlight somewhere. The single tiniest positive in a sea of negativity is the thread to hold on through the storm. I’m trying to wrap that sucker around my waist and hold on. I hope you are too.
Yesterday was my appointment at the Breast Clinic, and I got the full results from my biopsy.
According to the results, it wasn’t duct ectasia, but rather focal florid usual type duct hyperplasia. Plus 3 peripheral type micropapillomata were found, largest being 2mm.
As for the other, I shall write it word for word here:
Proliferative fibrocystic change (including focal florid usual type hyperplasia and three peripheral type micropapillomata).
Initial sections demonstrates sclerosing adenosis and nonproliferative fibrocystic change including extensive stromal fibrosis.”
Now, as far as the hyperplasia, I’ve done some looking into and it doubles my chance of developing breast cancer. I’m currently trying to look into the micropapillomata and the proliferative fibrocystic change. I think I know what the sclerosing adenosis is, but I will recheck before anything else.