Fall Excite

Perhaps it’s a cruel joke that my favorite season is Fall, and it’s just around the corner. The weather is cooling, the leaves are changing, and they actually started putting Halloween things out in mid-August! Which, coincidently is also my favourite holiday. 

The happiest time I have is approaching! I always hated when they started putting out Christmas decorations in July and then usually skipped over Halloween for all but a scrap decoration here or there. I live a very small, very religious town; and I’m surprised and utterly excited that they have my pretties out and about so much this year! 

See, and many people will gasp in horror, but, I hate Christmas. Have since I was younger. Probably started at about 10 when the hate for the holiday started. For me, Christmas is a holiday where there’s not much laughter, but a lot of yelling and screaming and rushing to traditions that honestly cause more suffering than they’re worth given all the things we have to deal with. The only good thing about Christmas is seeing my niece and nephew smile and have fun.

Halloween was -and is- the only day where I wasn’t bullied or scoffed or complained at. Halloween was where I could be myself and gain compliments I hadn’t known I needed every once in a while. 

This is not to say people are not entitled to their own opinion, but I’m explaining why these are my opinions. It’s a topic I thought I would share today that came to mind in this early morning. 

I’m going to try to write a more lengthy blog about my leg updates soon! Until then!

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Maybe It’s Mind Games

My leg issue continues getting worse. Every day is a struggle, that I have to push through. Not because I want to, but rather that I’m forced to. It’s a wonder I don’t talk about my issues anymore. 

I’ve been tripping a lot. My legs hurt like hell, like I’m wearing thigh-high socks surrounded by constricting thorns that get tighter and tighter. It’s harder to walk. I get tired easily. 

I’m terrified of falling in a public place and not being able to move. I’m terrified of taking showers, because I’ve fallen before. I shake every time the shower head spray comes on. Showers used to be my happy place. 
My boyfriend got me a sketch book and pencils because I desperately needed an outlet and my niece and nephew took hold of my old sketchbook, and used all my paints and clay. It’s been better since I’ve drawn, and it’s been a long time since I have been able to draw well. 

My emotions has been more stable, but I’ve noticed more things that I can’t tell is coincidence or an omen. Everywhere I’ve looked lately -yes, everywhere!- I have seen videos or articles or just in daily life many issues with people and their legs. I have seen more wheelchairs and motorized wheelchairs in these 2 days than I have in my entire lifetime. 

Coincidence or omen? I’m not sure, and it worries me to ever find out.

Nightmare

My nightmare last night was strange to me to say the least…

It started out with me being surrounded by children (all not mine, I’d like to add) and another woman, who was helping. We were all outside this large building star gazing and watching fireworks. 

Suddenly, in the street, I see a dark figure. I go over to tell the woman about it, and the man came over insisting he was two of the children’s father. The woman was on the phone, trying to get a hold of the police. Suddenly, more men showed up and started yelling that they get off the phone. I grab a nearby blunt object and tell the children to run inside and lock the doors and windows, and not to look outside. 

I remember hitting the man claiming to be a father with the blunt object once before I was scooped up and carried inside. It wasn’t someone I didn’t know, and I was calm, but when I heard the other men yell to let them in, I realized I couldn’t move my legs. The kids huddled around me and clung on, we were in the basement and I heard faint sirens. Then I heard a crash, and I forced myself awake.

When I woke up, it was more like tremors than shaking. I’m still trying to catch my breath. I still feel a little scared. 

And it doesn’t help today is the anniversary of a loved one’s death… 

But what could this nightmare mean?

Records

Heading to my doctor to get my Medical Records to see exactly who, when, and why I was diagnosed with polyneuropathy and was never told anything about it. I looked into it a bit, and apparently that’s where I need to start. 

After I get these things sorted, I will be making an appointment – you guessed it! – 3 hours away. Back to the city where I want to scream in both anger and terror as people attempt to drive each other off the road. 

It’s going to be one hell of a ride, yet again. Will continue to update.

Processing Feelings

How does one begin to process so many feelings at once, for so many things at once? 

Some might say therapy, others might say friends, some may even say family or your love (husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend.)

But what about when you’re upset at many things, involving many people and/or events and you can’t afford a therapist?
Some of these people will say meditation, drugs, alcohol. 

Meditation is all and good, but you have to have the ability to relax yourself away from it all in a quiet space alone. Obviously, the next thing I’ll say is that drugs and alcohol are bad and just crutches trying to prop up the feelings you’re trying to forget. 

So what do you do when you have none of these options and talking it out falls on deaf ears? Especially when you’re sinking into your own worries, and the other emotions are trying to chip away at your already fragile being? 

I’ve talked about one particular problem I have that always brings me down multiple times, but people just get better at attempting to hide what I will inevitable find anyway. It doesn’t work, and that ends up making me feel worse.

I’m not sure what I am supposed to do when I have tried everything I can think of, and it does not change.

“Well, why not just leave it alone?” Some have asked me. 

Well, because I can’t ignore my feelings. It’s not good to shut down, and I had years of practice so it comes far too easily to me. I’m trying to stop doing that. 

The downside, however, is the added frustration on top of frustration, and how it seems to amp up my already high emotions. 

Perhaps I shouldn’t write this as a blog, but I know I’m not the only one. And sometimes, all you need… Is to know you’re not alone.

Guess What

It happened again. I was talking to my mother and standing wheny legs decided to give out again. I think I’m getting better. Instead of crying like I usually end up doing, I just cursed my frustration. I’ll probably cry later when I’m not in the presence of my mother. 

My legs are freezing. It’s beginning to become more and more annoying.

Let’s see how long this one lasts…. Sigh…

Yesterday

So, let’s talk about yesterday. 

I went to this supposed neurologist. I get there, and he checks my reflexes and has me walk a short distance and then tells me “tests” are normal. Also, tells me that “there is nothing that can only last hours and stop.” 

Haha, no, bub. There is, I’ve read about numerous things. Amongst these “tests” he put a vibration tool on my legs and on my way out, my legs start getting sore. Like electricity was zapping through my veins. It continues to get worse until I was in tears and swallowing screams. My concerned boyfriend then pointed out that my legs were exceptionally pale, but my toes were bright red. Almost as if all my blood rushed to the tips of my toes and stayed there. 

Since then, the pain has died down a bit, but it continues to get more painful to walk. Every step I take feels like my bones are breaking crack by crack. 

I looked up this “nuerologist” on Health Grades. He had a rating of 2 stars, and according to many reviews, he refuses to touch men. Which is why I am very glad my boyfriend came back with me. 

He was rude, impatient, and didn’t like questions.

I have my nerve conduction and an MRI on my spine tomorrow morning, but something tells me that I’ll be ending up finding somewhere else again. 
If anyone has any idea what specifically could cause my issue, thoughts would be highly appreciated.
Temporary paralysis, numbness, inability to move or feel my legs mid-thigh down. No senses. No movement. Legs pale and ice cold.

When I am able to move again, a tingling feeling happens in my legs and after about 10 minutes I can move them slowly, but weakly again. Longest episode being 9 hours as of date.

Now with pain when I walk and increasing.